Today I learned a lesson that I have learned many times over. This lesson always sneaks up on me because the perpetuating habit behind it was ingrained at a very early age. As a child I–along with many other empaths–learned that to stay safe, I had to be aware of what was going on around me at all times. Since we are energetic beings having a human experience, we all have the ability to tap into the energy around us and feel the vibe of a place, person, or thing. That is how we, along with animals, feel cues from our parents and environments. It’s a big part of how we pick up on the bigger picture that is going on all around us. As such a being, I would use this ability to send energetic feelers out around me to feel into my environment to determine how safe it was…or wasn’t.
I knew that just because things looked safe from the outside, it didn’t mean that there wasn’t something brewing below the surface waiting to erupt. This could consist of conflicts between my parents, verbal abuse from siblings, and so much more. I learned that it was much safer to be so deeply attuned to my environment that any small energy shift would be instantly felt, alerting me as to how to be ready to shift my energy in order to neutralize any perceived threat. Being able to have my finger on the pulse of my environment gave me a sense–a feeling–of control over my environment and even the sense that I could manipulate it enough to sometimes create an outcome that felt more preferable.
As I’ve gotten older and my gifts of awareness have gotten much more refined, I have realized that this ability has many pros and cons to it. Being able to feel everything around me has taught me how to:
- fit in better
- hide my sensitivity
- get responses that I needed from bullies or other people who I felt were threatening
- took my awareness from inside of myself to outside of myself.
I became excellent at conforming to my environment, becoming a chameleon hiding in plain sight. No one (except close friends) was aware of what I would feel, see and know about those around me. This ability became so inherent and VERY prevalent–running 24/7–that I gave this part of me a name: The Watcher.
The Watcher was always present and on duty, scanning that my environment was safe. She kept me slightly separate from my environment–kind of like an eagle watching from above–always scanning and seeing how everything was going around me. She was my guardian, and I didn’t feel safe without her. Little did I know that while having a defense mechanism like The Watcher made sense for what I knew at the time, that there is a much easier, less exhausting, and higher energetic way of operating with more integrity.
Having a part of me that was always “out”–feeling what people were doing–actually has a large energetic impact on everyone involved. When I was feeling into others, I was literally sending energetic chords out to people, connecting with them, then allowing their energy to come back to me. This new energetic freeway of information would be processed through my body, and I would confuse their emotions (and energy) for my own. For instance, when I would go to gatherings, I would start to feel socially anxious and have to leave because of all my anxiety. Upon leaving, I would feel fine again after just a few minutes of fresh air to myself. I used to assume that I felt better because I finally had more space to myself.
Later, I realized that I felt better because I wasn’t in a room utilizing The Watcher to pick up on everybody else’s feelings–much of which was low-level social anxiety. When I would do this in social settings, my energy would be pushing outwards as opposed to being grounded within myself. Additionally, at that time I had no clue to even think or feel what my unique energy felt like in comparison to others’ unique energy, so I had no clue how to differentiate between others’ energy and mine. Therefore, I was just taking on everyone’s energy, thinking it was all mine, then reacting to how strongly I was feeling emotionally and having no clue as to why I was feeling so emotionally ALL over the place. I assumed I must just be a socially anxious, jealous, crazy, moody person–all of the room’s negative emotions! Not only that, I didn’t know that once I took on others’ emotions and energy, I had to get rid of it somehow so that it wasn’t all bottled up inside of me. Essentially, my need to know how my environment was feeling was actually making me feel incredibly shitty.
There’s an even deeper level of imbalance to this Watcher energy that I recently relearned. I’ve recently gotten to the point where I can hear people’s main feelings as thoughts. This power can be helpful when I’m neutral and very grounded, but when I have a lot of emotional attachment to how a person is feeling–and therefore expectation of how I hope he/she feels–it becomes detrimental to all involved. I have realized that as I (along with everyone else) access more of my “I Am” presence, I am privy to a lot of energy.
This energy, when focused on someone or something, has a lot of power behind it. Just like you can feel an intense stare from across a room, or feel the power behind a powerful sonata, if you or I focus on something intensely, the focus of our energy will feel it. And if that directed energy is not neutral but has some form of intention, then our energy is energetically pressuring them to feel a certain way. I know how I feel when people tell me what to do; I pull away. And if they keep doing it? I get angry and defensive. This then creates an energetic domino effect in which I then will feel upset that the other person is pulling away, which then will just intensify the situation even more because The Watcher’s chord is allowing both parties to feel the other’s emotions more and more strongly as that focus intensifies.
I’ve watched this pattern play out many times in my romantic relationships, and I had always wondered why once I stopped caring or thinking about whatever was up, the man would inevitably come forward in our relationship once again. To a certain extent, his reaction has been due to other factors as well, but it also has been because my energy has aggressively been pushing externally on them. This external push created a sense of distrust and discomfort consciously or subconsciously, thereby creating an imbalance in both of our energetic alignment and ability to clearly hear and know what we are both feeling.
When I recently realized that I was doing this same pattern over again, I was SO appalled at my distrust in the other person’s personal journey and that everything would end up working for the highest good.
So, what did I do with all of this knowledge once it came to light? Well, I realized that The Watcher was working waaayyy too much, which was pretty shitty of me. I sent her off on a forever long vacation and replaced her with the knowing that when I focus on my energy and sense of trust, I am actually way better off in life…as is everyone else involved. I realized that when I stand in trust and my internal alignment, I inherently know from within myself what I need to know. When I am there, I am linked into the never-ending internal matrix that is connected to EVERYTHING and have a much bigger and deeper sense of knowing. This allows my energy to stay clear, the watcher to take a break and others to just have their own energy to contend with. Energetically, I walk with energetic integrity and am giving respect and deference to other people’s paths without the egotistical belief that my energy and knowing should be involved in any way in their process.
In conclusion, I’m very sorry that I did that, but I’m very thankful for the lesson yet again. Every time we go into fear, this brings to light areas that we don’t feel safe and brings forth an opportunity to heal parts of us that have been in situations that weren’t safe. When we are fully in our bodies and in our presence and recognize that there’s no safer place for us to be, that is where the greatest outcome possible will occur. Because when we’re fully in our knowing and in alignment, we have the most energy flow possible coming into our body. When we are connected to that energetic matrix, we are connected to the largest expanse of knowledge that exists and can pull from it versus living in The Watcher mind, which keeps us in flight or fight mode.