I feel like my whole life I’ve been searching for clarity for things to just FINALLY make sense. So over the last 10 years I’ve dedicated myself to understanding how this reality works. How energy (the fundamental building block of everything) works, how the internal world creates the external world, how light and dark create contrast and form. I always thought that once I mastered this reality (to some level) that ever-promised, yet elusive constant happiness would burst out into my everyday world. It would be like that rainbow’s pot of gold would actually be there and reality would finally make sense. And don’t get me wrong, there have been times when I feel like I did find that pot of gold… I sat in it, dove in, splashed around, had the best time.
BUT, it has always elusively disappeared with the play out of experience and time. What takes its place is a VERY familiar feeling, one of deep confusion, internal tightness and a searching for deeper meaning and purpose. I catch myself feeling like this (this lifetime, these interactions, these emotions, these interactions, these stories) has all happened before -like dejavu is a constant- none of this is really even happening, and the sense of truly being stuck in a matrix. And I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. It’s just that the feeling is very loud to me. It’s like having the proverbial elephant in the room just staring at me, especially when I wake up. It’s eyes are telling me that there’s something very different going on then what I’m perceiving. My discomfort with all of this urges me deeper in my body with the seemingly endless quest to discover the truth.
The result of this internal speculation? An endless hamster wheel of cause and effect, discovering the never-ending playoff of a fractalized, polarizing reality. This feeling of a never-ending hamster wheel tends to freeze a part of me in place, immobilizing that part with a sense of terror that it will never all add up. That this hamster wheel truly is all that there is.
LUCKILY on this path of what I like to call self mastery and self-discovery, a greater part of me knows that there’s more to that hamster wheel then what it seems. That hamster wheel is a representation of a part of me feeling like I don’t belong here. That this reality is built upon a system of programming that I did not, do not, and will not choose to be a part of. It’s a feeling of stuckness that is the direct result of three separate internal parts. These three parts (I believe) are the core of every stuck feeling I’ve ever had. Let me introduce you to them.
Part 1 is the proverbial Warrior. The Warrior “knows” with all its heart that what is going on is not okay and the only way to change this is to fight. To fix. To change what is. The Warrior can come in many forms, but at its core, the need to change what is going on is present along with an inherent sense of what right and wrong is.
Part 2 is the Runner. This part doesn’t even hesitate. It knows that whatever is going on, whatever feeling is there, is just not okay, and the only rational option is to leave. To check out. To wait until things are safe and then maayyyybbbeee consider coming back.
Part 3 is the Oscillator. If Part 1 and 2 had the colors black and white, Part 3 would have the color gray. Part 3 oscillates between Part 1 and 2, trying to decide which one is right, what to do. It is the strategizer, the thinker. It basically moves on the whole spectrum between running away and fighting the situation, never quite settling into Part 1 or Part 2’s perspective.
Fundamentally these 3 Parts together represent this reality and it’s play out. This reality, or polarity (the yin and yang, positive and negative, light and dark, etc.) is always a playout of these 3 parts in some way. Each Part represents our separation from our True Self (Your Higher Self, Your Soul, Source Energy, Universal Energy, God, whatever words best fit your perspective on life). When we are separate from our True Self, we step out of our knowing, out of trust, out of flow, out of internal deep stillness, and into polarity, the world of lack, chasing, running, the playout of light and dark. As these 3 Parts create friction and movement between each other, so too does our playout of friction and reaction happen.
So what do I do when I realize that reality is just a playout of these 3 basic Parts? A lot times I end up blaming myself for such blind reaction to something so simple. Then I realize blaming and anger is just my Warrior Part acting out to this information. Reacting to the situation just tightens the webbing of this reality and my resonance with it even more tightly. No bueno. Then I move to the feelings of overwhelm, confusion and just wanting to distract myself in some way from all of these intense feelings and findings. Yep, you guessed it, that’s the Runner Part coming in on the coat tales of the Warrior Part. Then I try to figure out all the sides of how these 2 have been ruling my life… which is the Oscillator, the Thinker, trying to make sense of everything. Which, as I know, whatever I focus on, I create, so the Oscillator is just actually keeping me in this state of confusion and hamster wheel reality…
So what do I do? Nothing. I become still. Obviously engaging with these Parts is what energizes their intense emotions. I AM ultimately the creator, and whatever I am focusing on is going to become more and more alive. Each part is always going to be a Part of me, but do I really want their playouts running my life? The answer for me is no. And the only way I have found to create from me, PART 0, Part ALL, is to be with each 3 parts in total presence, but not focus on them. I imagine myself having had this playout with these 3 parts for an eternity and then I ask myself what would I do with these parts who so resiliently are themselves always? I would accept them finally and just focus on me. Let them be them and just be me while with them. Because they are a part of me. Just like the playout of reality is. Reality being the mirror of the internal playouts externalized. It will always be there, playing out the way it does between these 3 basic parts. BUT I will always be at its center (Part 0) and if I stay there with all of them in total acceptance, I get to be in MAGNETIC energy, which allows me to be the CREATOR of my reality, not the reactor.
On a practical level, it is still infuriatingly hard to find that place of acceptance (Part 0) which results in inner freedom. The true struggle is wishing that even the process of being with those three parts and as a result, this reality, didn’t have the set of rules or play outs to begin with. This perspective just ends up being a tangent of the mind, resisting what is by trying to figure out a way around it. So essentially another nugget of realization from this year, is that the engagement of the mind is a form of resistance and is therefore also an engagement with perpetuating this type of reality. I find that beyond infuriating. But I only really find that infuriating because what is being asked of me in EVERY situation is to let go and surrender. To drop everything and be deeply still inside. The level of self-discipline that is asked for therefore is almost incomprehensible because the deeper I go with that stillness the more I’m presented with almost seemingly more intense ways in which I am struggling in this reality. A never ending rabbit hole and hamster wheel!